case of the ex ..

Almerce is an ex-boyfriend that I went out with 12 years ago.  He's from Montreal, Canada and is actually still there.  We officially went out for 1 year and 8 months but we dealt with each other off and on for 5 years.  I admit, I cheated.  My excuse was that I was young and wanted to experience alot of things.  I loved him though, I really did.  I really thought he was "the one".  Also the distance started taking it's toll on me.  So eventually we stopped communicating.  When he moved on with another girl, I was devasted.  It took me about 2 years to truly get over him.  Yeah, I messed around with random people but I was so shut off to the prospects of potential relationships.  That's all they were to me, random people to hook up with.  I was actually hooking up with one guy that all day I'd talk his ear off about Almerce, but then we'd have sex.  *lolz*

But anyways, for about 5 years we had no contact whatsoever.  Then 2007 I found him on friendster.  I saw that he had visited my page.  So I took the chance and wrote him a messege.  He actually answered back.  Since then we had kept in touch.  All innocently.  Talking to each other randomly.  Catching each other up on the 5 years we hadn't talked.  It really felt like I got my best friend back.  He was single.  I told him about Chris.  We were cool.

When he'd come down to the NY/NJ area, he always made it a point to tell me so we can meet up.  He came down here plenty but I literally only went to hangout with him twice.  In 2009 he came to the area a few times and twice I didn't come out to see him.  Which I thought was fine for me, but later I found out that it did bother him that I didn't.

Then came halloween weekend 2009.  I actually spent the whole weekend with him.  He came to TenEast's halloween party -- late -- but he showed.  The next day I played tourguide for him and his friend Joey around the city.  I made Zysa come with me.  She eventually started hitting it off with Joey.  The next day they wanted to see a movie and Zysa didn't wanna go without me, so I went.  It was a nice weekend.  Considering what I was going through with Chris at the time, it was nice to spend time with people and have my worries be gone for a few days.

Then Chris and I broke up.  I wanted to turn to Almerce but he was in Jamaica that week.  I knew I could talk to him about it all and he wouldn't sugarcoat shit for me.  I wanted to ask him if what I did was right.  I needed him to be my shoulder to lean on.  And THAT he was when he got back from his trip.  I told him EVERYTHING that had happened, how it came about, how it all transpired.

We started to talk to each other over the phone every night.  He listened to me rant.  He listened to me cry.  Here and there we'd talk about our past.  I couldn't help it but I felt like I was starting to re-develop a crush on him.  But I didn't want to fess up or admit it.  I didn't want it to seem like I was using him as a rebound person.  He's too important a person in my life to be THAT person.

We spent a weekend in Massena, NY together.  It was blissful!!  I loved every minute I spent with him.  It felt great to be held by someone who's confessed he still loves me.  He said he couldn't help that feelings started coming back to him about me.  But he also said he's got his walls up.  Guarded.  Because everything that was happening to me was stilll fresh.  He understands but at the same time he still has to watch his back as well.  Especially, when I told him Chris and I had hooked up like 3 times already.  I can't help it either to feel love for him.  I love him too!!  But my life is just way too complicated to start a relationship with him.  Plus, he says if we do, it has to be under HIS terms this time.  Meaning I have to move to Montreal to be with him.  I'm seriously considering it.

But my life here for myself just started.  2010 was/is supposed to be MY year.  He says he understands that too.  But at the same time I can't make him wait for me.  Ugh, I just wish everything was just so simple.  I should have known it wouldn't be, this IS my life we're talking about.  *lolz*

So, this weekend is another Massena trip.  I can't wait to be with him!!  He's the only person right now that let's me be me and I can tell him ANYTHING and EVERYTHING,  but he won't judge me.  I love that about him.  I can't wait!!  -=0D