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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/momiearlene

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after being with a girl for 5 years; is loving a man easier?

i don't think loving PERIOD is easy whether it be with a man or woman. but i guess in my situation it's different. the man i'm loving now i've loved before so i guess yeah, it was easy to fall inlove with HIM particularly because we had history ..but men in general, to me, doesn't matter. i always said my heart falls for whoever catches it's full attention -- boy or girl!! i'll fall for either or the same way and i'll love either or the same way!! -=0D

Ask me anything

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one of your cousins is the manual. lolol

yuck gross for me!! lolz

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battery powered or manual?????? lolol

haha!! yes PLEASE!! who's manual?? is he cute?? -=0P

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Why were you drinking a Shirley Temple at BeerGarden??????? lol

it wasn't a shirley temple jasper!! vodka cran but u wouldn't know that coz u don't drink the hard stuff -=0P

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coz he's MY truth ..

Song:"The Truth"

Artist:India.Arie

C.D.:"Voyage To India"

Spoken : Let me tell you why I love him

Chorus:
Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly because
His light it shines so bright I wouldn't lie no


Verse 1:
I remember the very first day that I saw him
I found myself immediately intrigued by him
It's almost like I knew this man from another life
Like back then maybe I was his husband maybe he was my wife
And even,things I don't like about him are fine with me
Cause it's not hard for me to understand him cause he's so much like me
And it's truly my pleasure to share his company
And I know that it's God's gift to breathe
The air he breathes

Chorus:
Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly because
His light it shines so bright I wouldn't lie (no)ohhhhhhhhh!


Verse 2:
How can the same man that makes me so mad
Do you know what he did-(Spoken)
Turn right around and kiss me so soft
Girl do you know what he did-(Spoken)
If he ever left me I wouldn't even be sad no
Cause there's a blessin' in every lesson
And I'm glad that I knew him at all

Chrous:
Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly because
His light it shines so bright no


Bridge, Break-down, & Ending :
I love the way he speaks
I love the way he thinks
I love the way that he treats his mama
I love that gap in between his teeth
I love him in every way that a woman can love a man
From personal to universal but most of all
It's unconditional

You know what I'm talking about-(Spoken)
That's the way I feel
And I always will-(Spoken)

There ain't no substitute for the truth
Either it is or isn't
(Cause he is the truth)
You see the truth it needs no proof
Either it is or it isn't
(Cause he is the truth)
Now you know the truth by the way it feels
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly
Because he is, yes he is
I wonder does he know -Echoes

from the fb of miss lara ..

“ Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her..."

my year-in horoscope ..

Overview: Oh, big playful Leo -- how the last couple of years have been dramatic (and often less than kind) for you! There's little doubt that whatever you've gone through in the last year, the uppers have fueled your inherent charm and lovability, and the downers have gotten a little ignored. That's one of the problems with being a Leo: you can be so sunny that no one notices the rainy days. Mars in your sign this spring is going to give you newfound energy and motivation to really get things done your way, and the summer will bring new opportunities to express yourself.
   
    The challenges will be slowly changing from big drama to smaller, more manageable issues. You've probably been too busy taking care of others to really take care of yourself lately, but 2010 marks a new direction in taking yourself seriously, and taking care of yourself with the due diligence and concern you usually reserve for others. Don't think of it as becoming inwardly-focused; think of it as doing the necessary maintenance on yourself so you can do a better job of letting your light shine for others.

    Life is going to be taking a turn for the philosophical in the next year. All of the noise and confusion of the last year may have made you neglect your Higher Self; that too should be a part of your personal care regimen. This year is going to provide ample opportunities for you to get caught up on your spiritual homework. And, unlike regular homework, you'll probably feel like there's a point to doing it!

Romantic: The money may not have always been in place in the last year, but one way or another your romantic life has undoubtedly seen some opportunities and some challenges -- with a likely emphasis on the 'challenges' part. Pluto has finally moved out of your Fun and Games House, and this will undoubtedly bring a greater sense of stability to your pleasurable and romantic pursuits. If what you are seeking is a new relationship, there will be plenty of opportunities from April to June, when both Venus and Mars will be working to your advantage. Don't be surprised if you receive more than your usual share of sidelong glances and unexpected invitations during this time.
   
    If you are in a more committed relationship, the long slow transit of Neptune will continue to make things a little unclear. You may very well find yourself looking at your partner through rose-colored glasses. Admittedly, a little of that sort of thing is necessary at times. But be cautious of flare-ups in November and December: the usual holiday pressures appear to be applying to your connection to your loved ones more than the usual financial strain.

Career: The last two years of your work life have seen some pretty significant pressures, and congratulations -- you survived them! In all likelihood, this has been because of conditions that are completely out of your control. Fortunately, 2010 will be the year that you can finally feel that your career path is squarely back in your hands. General economic conditions will be improving for you, and you'll be receiving greater recognition for your efforts.

   July through September will see new opportunities for you to move up the ladder in your current career path, or possibly branch out into a new position or a new field altogether. Warm up your resume and get it circulating -- even in fields of work that may be feeling the economic pinch, the unexpected is likely to turn up and will likely be a good thing.

   The most important financial news in 2010 is -- get ready to breathe a big sigh of relief -- that Saturn has finally ended its two-year transit of your Money House. It's probably felt like an uphill struggle during this time, with more time and effort being spent bailing water out of the economic boat rather than actually being able to get anywhere. Fortunately, you are done with all that now. Things that in the recent past have cost you money are likely to stop, and the same amount of effort made towards economic independence will get you twice the results you've been used to. August through October in particular will bring improved financial circumstances.

love's valentine for me ...

 

card # 1

 

cards 1 & 2

 

card #1's cover said:

"Love means...

<3 communicating without even saying a word

<3 saying you're sorry when you truly are

<3 overlooking each other's imperfections

<3 cheering each other's victories

<3 holding on tight when things get tough

<3 making fun, even when you can't find any

<3 helping each other when you need it most

<3 sharing space, secrets and silly jokes"

 

inside says:

"Love means

having

someone special

in your life...

someone to care for,

someone to count on,

someone to call

'Valentine'

<3

I love you, Valentine"

 

in his chicken scratch of a handwritting *lolz*:

"BABEE,

I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT ANY BETTER MYSELF

ALMERCE 'YOUR BABEEH' RIVERA"

 

card #2's envelope

"JUST INCASE YOU DIDN'T

GET IT THE FIRST TIME"

 

card #2

 

I <3 U

 

See, it's little things like these two cards that melt my heart.  I don't need anything big.  I don't need anything elaborate.  These two cards and that AMAZING weekend with him was all I needed.  -=0]

Yes, it would be nice if we were physically together ON Valentine's Day but we did our celebrations early.  There WAS talk of spending this long weekend of mine in Albany but his funds is running low and he's got other trips already lined up he needs to save his money for.  I can't fight him about that because those trips were planned before me.  It's ok I guess, but it still would have been nice.  We never really had a Valentine where we were physically together on the day of it.  

The last Valentine I remember of him, we weren't even together.  He was actually with someone else at the time.  I was strung up on him still though.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was still working at the WIC office and I was getting highly depressed watching deliveries of flowers and candies arrive for my coworkers from their husbands/boyfriends/partners.  It got to the point where I was the only one that didn't get any type of delivery.  I got to talking with some of my co-workers and I mentioned Almerce to them.  One of them asked me, "Is he 'the one' that got away??" and I said "Yes."  After I said that, I got even more sad and depressed.  Then out of nowhere, he called me!!  I was utterly surprised!!  I didn't think he would.  So I went into the next room to take his call.  He said he just wanted to give me a ring and greet me a Happy Valentine's day and to see if I was ok.  I fronted like I was fine but I appreciated the call.  When we hung up --- I cried!!  Right then and there at my job, like a freaking baby!!  *lolz*  One of my co-workers walked in and saw me but didn't know what to do so she walked right back out.  *haha*  I must have been a sight!!  But I couldn't help it.  I was actually happy that even though he had a new girlfriend, I still crossed his mind on a day like that.  I was happy because I totally wasn't expecting a call at all from him.  And of course it turned into sadness because he wasn't mine.  Ironically, that same day was the last time I had heard from him.

But look at us now .....

3 day weekend in Massena ..

Well, Zysa and I left around midnight, close to 12:30am on Friday night/early Saturday morning.  We were basically trying to beat the impending "snowstorm" that was supposed to hit the city.  (Which I heard, never even happened the whole weekend).  At the same time we wanted to take our time.  The whole drive took about 7hours, at least it's supposed to.  But we decided to take our time and stop whenever we get hungry or have to pee.  At one point Zysa got really sleepy, so we decided to nap for an hour at a service area at 3am.  Yes, we knew that was pretty dangerous of us to do such a thing, but we were really sleepy!!  *lolz*

We finally arrived in Hogensberg around 9am.  It was WAY too early to try to check in so we drove over to the IGA (Canadian supermarket) across the street to buy some SuperBowl Sunday snacks.  Which only really took us about 15-20 minutes.  Still had PLENTY of time to spare.  Zysa wanted to get a few more bottles of liquor for Sunday so we drove up and down Hogensberg and Massena to find a liquor store.  All they had were smoke shops.  (Hogensberg is on an Indian reservation)  Just driving up and down took about an hour or so.  Finally, we just gave up and headed back to the hotel around 10:30am.  We tried our luck to see if our rooms were ready early again.  (Last time, we checked in around the same time but niether one of our rooms were ready yet)  Lucky for Zysa, HER room was ready but mine wasn't.  So we went up to her room to wait.  The boys didn't plan to leave Montreal till about 11am.  It takes them about an hour to drive over, so we had only a few moments to spare.  Of course her room HAD to be the smoking one, so we sparked up, knowing full well that THAT might be the only time I could smoke up the whole weekend.  Then we passed out for about an hour.  We went back down to the front desk to see if my room was ready -- and it was!!  Our rooms was right across from each other too!!  The moment I got my stuff and into the room, I freshened up and then knocked out.

I didn't feel him come into the room till about 1pm.  We hugged and kissed like it's been forever since the last time we saw each other.  Then I decided to give him his Valentine's Day present.  I got him two cards and a DSI.  He was so surprised coz I told him I got him something in purple and gold.  So he thought it had something to do with the Lakers.  *hehe*  Then he gave me the two cards he got me.  We hugged and kissed some more.  Now I'll leave the rest of what happened after that to your imagination ...

I think we were all pretty exhausted because we didn't get up to head to the casino till almost midnight.   We met up in the hallway with Joey and Zysa, then went off to the casino.  First stop, foodcourt.  Second stop, the bar.  We sat there having drinks, taking shots, playing word association again and smoking till they shut down the bar -- which was at 1:30am.  Unfortunately, I started having really bad stomach pains that I tried to ignore because I didn't want to kill the fun.  But at one point I almost toppled over with pain.  Almerce was nothing short of attentive the whole night to me.  He's so freaking sweet I swear!!  So he went to get me food while he asked Zysa to take me up to my room.  I told him I was ok to do so myself but he wouldn't take no for an answer.  Once he got back to the room, he just laid in bed with me, rubbing my belly the whole time.  *sigh*  This boy I swear!!  ::cheesey smile::

The next day we got up around 10am.  Got dressed and headed down to the hotel's free breakfast.  It was pretty good.  I got to make my own waffles!!  Then it was back up to our room to see what's up for the day with the other two.  We all got ready to spend a few hours at the mall.  I saw these sneakers I REALLY want and Almerce offered to get them for me but I said no.  Only because of the superstition I have about buying sneakers for the one u love.  They end up walking all over u and walking away from u.  Yeah, I know, stupid but I have two people already do that in my life and they were the two I ALWAYS bought sneakers for.  So yeah, he understood but all I had to say was that I changed my mind and he would have gone to get them for me.  Then we went to the arcade because the boys (being the boys they are) wanted to challenge each other in the shoot-out game.  First round Joey vs. Almerce -- my babeeh won!!  Second round Zysa vs Me -- I won, of course!!  *lolz*  The funniest part was that I scored the highest out of all of them!!  Joey and Almerce decided to go for a third round and babeeh won again there too -- but still didnt' beat MY score of 33 shots!!  *haha*  Schooled ALL of them!!  -=0P

After that we headed to eat at Sticks in the casino.  Zysa and Joey stayed on to play for a little bit in the casino before the Superbowl game came on.  Almerce and I went back to the hotel to "canoodle".  *lolz*  Around 7pm we both head over to their room to watch the game.  We bet shots/chugs all night long.  Even played some pusoy dos for shots/chugs.  Zysa and I ended up being the most messed up the whole weekend.  It didn't help that I smoked too.  I actually felt more high than drunk.  Around 11:30pm Almerce and I went back to our room to "canoodle" some more.  ::super cheesey double smile::  

We got up and checked out Monday afternoon.  Zysa wanted to drive the PT cruiser (Joey's rented car for the weekend) so I drove her car to the casino.  Which wasn't a far distance.  The hotel and the casino is right next door to each other.  *lolz*  The first time Almerce ever saw or rode with me while driving.  We spent the afternoon in the casino.  I wasn't so lucky this time around.  I lost $40.00.  Dammit!!  *lolz*

Around 6:30pm we seperated from the boys.  I swear it gets harder and harder to leave him each time.  I called him for a little bit while we were on the road before he headed to work.  Zysa asked me to drive for a little too while she napped.  I think my love for driving is resurfacing.  I just gotta get over the whole "diva driver" thing though.  *lolz*

So that was my A M A Z I N G weekend with my Canadian!!  <3 <3 <3

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What was the greatest thing that has happened to you?

wow!! that's a good question. it has to be being able to stand on my own two feet. realizing my self worth. finding the motivation to persue what i want in my life. and standing up for it all!!

Ask me anything

blogging from my cell ..

Ok so I can't seem to get the hang of EMAILING a blog from my cell to here, but I can actually go on the site and just blog from the internet browser on my phone.

This is so much easier!! I was getting kinda annoyed that I couldn't email. *lolz*

And as promised ...

My gulay Myke is the best and hottest HOT date every other friday that I have!! *lolz* I loves him loads!!

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How was that waxing?

I didn't get it done yet. Tomorrow after work. LOL

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boys or girls?

Yes please ...thank you!! -=0P

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Can I get a dinner box?

Supa sized?? lolz RJ!!

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Are you gay-gay or just half gay?

I think I consider myself half-gay ..lolz

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case of the ex ..

Almerce is an ex-boyfriend that I went out with 12 years ago.  He's from Montreal, Canada and is actually still there.  We officially went out for 1 year and 8 months but we dealt with each other off and on for 5 years.  I admit, I cheated.  My excuse was that I was young and wanted to experience alot of things.  I loved him though, I really did.  I really thought he was "the one".  Also the distance started taking it's toll on me.  So eventually we stopped communicating.  When he moved on with another girl, I was devasted.  It took me about 2 years to truly get over him.  Yeah, I messed around with random people but I was so shut off to the prospects of potential relationships.  That's all they were to me, random people to hook up with.  I was actually hooking up with one guy that all day I'd talk his ear off about Almerce, but then we'd have sex.  *lolz*

But anyways, for about 5 years we had no contact whatsoever.  Then 2007 I found him on friendster.  I saw that he had visited my page.  So I took the chance and wrote him a messege.  He actually answered back.  Since then we had kept in touch.  All innocently.  Talking to each other randomly.  Catching each other up on the 5 years we hadn't talked.  It really felt like I got my best friend back.  He was single.  I told him about Chris.  We were cool.

When he'd come down to the NY/NJ area, he always made it a point to tell me so we can meet up.  He came down here plenty but I literally only went to hangout with him twice.  In 2009 he came to the area a few times and twice I didn't come out to see him.  Which I thought was fine for me, but later I found out that it did bother him that I didn't.

Then came halloween weekend 2009.  I actually spent the whole weekend with him.  He came to TenEast's halloween party -- late -- but he showed.  The next day I played tourguide for him and his friend Joey around the city.  I made Zysa come with me.  She eventually started hitting it off with Joey.  The next day they wanted to see a movie and Zysa didn't wanna go without me, so I went.  It was a nice weekend.  Considering what I was going through with Chris at the time, it was nice to spend time with people and have my worries be gone for a few days.

Then Chris and I broke up.  I wanted to turn to Almerce but he was in Jamaica that week.  I knew I could talk to him about it all and he wouldn't sugarcoat shit for me.  I wanted to ask him if what I did was right.  I needed him to be my shoulder to lean on.  And THAT he was when he got back from his trip.  I told him EVERYTHING that had happened, how it came about, how it all transpired.

We started to talk to each other over the phone every night.  He listened to me rant.  He listened to me cry.  Here and there we'd talk about our past.  I couldn't help it but I felt like I was starting to re-develop a crush on him.  But I didn't want to fess up or admit it.  I didn't want it to seem like I was using him as a rebound person.  He's too important a person in my life to be THAT person.

We spent a weekend in Massena, NY together.  It was blissful!!  I loved every minute I spent with him.  It felt great to be held by someone who's confessed he still loves me.  He said he couldn't help that feelings started coming back to him about me.  But he also said he's got his walls up.  Guarded.  Because everything that was happening to me was stilll fresh.  He understands but at the same time he still has to watch his back as well.  Especially, when I told him Chris and I had hooked up like 3 times already.  I can't help it either to feel love for him.  I love him too!!  But my life is just way too complicated to start a relationship with him.  Plus, he says if we do, it has to be under HIS terms this time.  Meaning I have to move to Montreal to be with him.  I'm seriously considering it.

But my life here for myself just started.  2010 was/is supposed to be MY year.  He says he understands that too.  But at the same time I can't make him wait for me.  Ugh, I just wish everything was just so simple.  I should have known it wouldn't be, this IS my life we're talking about.  *lolz*

So, this weekend is another Massena trip.  I can't wait to be with him!!  He's the only person right now that let's me be me and I can tell him ANYTHING and EVERYTHING,  but he won't judge me.  I love that about him.  I can't wait!!  -=0D

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Cats or Dogs?

I'm more of a dog person. I've been traumatize about cats since the "Smokey" incident. LOL

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If you had the opportunity to live one year of your life over again, which year would you choose?

1997 was a pretty good year for me

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the hardest thing i ever had to do ..

So I just sent Chrisanne a sort of "goodbye" letter on facebook. I sent her a messege on bbm because I know she's angry at me for posting that blog about the break-up on my Xanga. I told her I wasn't trying to make her look like a bad person. I truly wanted to just vent it all out. I wanted to "fully spill" my thoughts and feelings and what I felt at that moment. Do I feel bad?? Maybe just a little bit. But I'm done censoring myself. Censoring isn't what "fully spilling" is all about. But I did give a sort of "heads up" blog BEFORE I posted it.

Basically, I want to get over her. Get over us. Get over the whole thing. Everyone tells me in order for that to happen, Chris and I need to stop communicating. I'm trying. But it's HARD!! For the most part I'm good at just not looking at her sites. But then I get that moment of weakness and I break. Usually I see something I don't like and I'll get angry. But then I'll get over it. I can't help it!! I still freaking care!! And I still freaking worry!! But to get to the point where I don't get angry anymore from looking at her sites, it's going to be a process. A process that needs to start ASAP!!

As for the messege I sent, who knows if she'll even reply. If she doesn't, then I know she wants nothing to do with me anymore. I guess that's fine. It's what I need. Then her lack of a response will be my closure.

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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/momiearlene

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the break up ..

It happened back in November. November the 8th to be exact. I can't ever forget that day. For a while I had this nagging in my heart that was telling me it's time to let go. Ever since our "break" in July, I had to admit it to myself finally, that nothing was the same. I tried to hold on. I tried to make it work. But I guess the nagging in my heart translated into my actions. Even before the "break" I noticed her evasiveness towards me. We stopped sleeping in the same bed. Even in the same room. Sex was non-existent. She told me she wasn't as attracted to me anymore. Naturally, I started to think she was onto someone else. That's why I was always weary about any new girls she'd meet or got close to. My self-esteem hit the ultimate low. I just kept thinking "how could the one who said she loved me say THAT??". I felt disgusting. I HATED myself. But I kept trying to save us ..because I loved her still.



She said that the more I nagged at her, the more she pushed me away. She admits that. She also assumed that I was hooking up with random ex-boyfriends ...when that wasn't even the case. She said I lied about where I'd be and who I was with. Never that. I do admit it might have slipped my mind or I could have sworn I did tell her, but then realizing now I might have said it to someone else, thinking I already did mention it to her. That's my bad. But I wasn't doing ANY of the things she THOUGHT I was doing. Not even close. Why would I?? I still LOVED her!!



October into November hit the ultimate low. I couldn't take it anymore. We lived like strangers in the same house. We stopped hanging out with each other. It seemed like we had more fun AWAY from each other. So I initiated the conversation, that lead to the break-up. It went smoothly ..but I should have known better. I was home all day thinking things through. Wondering if what we did was right. Then she comes home with a party?? I just kept thinking "wow!! how insensitive and how quickly it took her to get over me!!". That's when I made the decision to move out. I couldn't take having to see her act like I meant nothing to her when she comes home at night ready to party.



Then I saw it. The messages to another girl from her job being sent back and forth on her facebook ..and it started before we broke up. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. I knew I shouldn't have looked. I knew I shouldn't have read them. But I couldn't help it. So this was her REAL reasoning as to why she wanted to break up. I KNEW there was someone else. She practically cheated on me. The words that were exchanged will haunt me for the rest of my life. I couldn't believe it. Here she was, saying sweet things to someone else, things she should have been saying to me -- her girlfriend!! Instead, the only things mentioned about me began or ended with "..she's crazy!! ..she's psycho!! ..she's driving me nuts!!". It was a stabbed with a knife through the heart multiple times kind of feeling. Then I got angry. She had the NERVE to accuse ME of doing things with my ex-boyfriend when all the while she was doing THIS?!? Reading that letter made me want to move out even faster.

December I moved out and back with my parents in Brooklyn. I was devastated for a good while. I cried almost every night. But that was a given. Especially since it was the holidays. The first time in 5 years I wasn't spending it with her. I'd get angry looking at her facebook pages and seeing her act like I meant nothing. Partying, drugs, drinking, flirting heavy with other girls, spending more and more time with THAT girl. The one from the messages. The one I refer to as "the little girl" ((she's only 18!!)).


I vowed to myself that once the new year hit, no more feeling sorry for myself. No more trying to miss her. No more letting her get to me. So I listened to alot of angry, broken-hearted girl, kind of music. The ones that empower u to move on and forget. And of course my friends. The ones that helped me keep my head on straight. My support system. I wouldn't be where I am right now if it wasn't for them. They helped me see I was worth something. That I was still beautiful. That it was time for me to live for ME!!





As for me and Chrisanne ..we still talk. We're TRYING to be friends but I can't front, it's HARD!! It's hard for the simple fact that I let our memories get the best of me sometimes ..and I need to stop that. I still care for her extremely. My love for her will always be there. But being inlove WITH her -- that's all gone. She hurt me too much. She made me expect too much. She went back on her promises to me. She moved on from me a while ago. I can't do anything about it except move on too.






I got my own life now and she's got hers. Friends we will remain but I know the process to fully get to that point might take a minute. But I'm proud to say I'm not that same girl back in November. I'm stronger now. And I'm sure I'll find a way to make it ...without her.

So far, so good ...

time to update ..

It's been a minute since I last blogged in here. I've actually been blogging in my xanga alot lately. Still considering whether or not I should move here totally. I don't know yet because xanga holds ALOT of memories for me. We'll see ...

So yeah here's the recap:

1. It's 2010 now.

2. 2009 was a SHIT year for me.

3. Chrisanne and I broke up in November.

4. Almerce and I have been rekindling something special.

5. I'm happy for the most part but my memories of the past 5 years still haunt me.

I'll blog more in detail of each one as the week goes on.

chance, I'll blog again in more detail.

Ok I think I've figured this out. Blogging from my cell = pretty awesome!! I've got a lot of catching up to do since I last blogged here. Once I get a

Is this working??