the break up ..

It happened back in November. November the 8th to be exact. I can't ever forget that day. For a while I had this nagging in my heart that was telling me it's time to let go. Ever since our "break" in July, I had to admit it to myself finally, that nothing was the same. I tried to hold on. I tried to make it work. But I guess the nagging in my heart translated into my actions. Even before the "break" I noticed her evasiveness towards me. We stopped sleeping in the same bed. Even in the same room. Sex was non-existent. She told me she wasn't as attracted to me anymore. Naturally, I started to think she was onto someone else. That's why I was always weary about any new girls she'd meet or got close to. My self-esteem hit the ultimate low. I just kept thinking "how could the one who said she loved me say THAT??". I felt disgusting. I HATED myself. But I kept trying to save us ..because I loved her still.



She said that the more I nagged at her, the more she pushed me away. She admits that. She also assumed that I was hooking up with random ex-boyfriends ...when that wasn't even the case. She said I lied about where I'd be and who I was with. Never that. I do admit it might have slipped my mind or I could have sworn I did tell her, but then realizing now I might have said it to someone else, thinking I already did mention it to her. That's my bad. But I wasn't doing ANY of the things she THOUGHT I was doing. Not even close. Why would I?? I still LOVED her!!



October into November hit the ultimate low. I couldn't take it anymore. We lived like strangers in the same house. We stopped hanging out with each other. It seemed like we had more fun AWAY from each other. So I initiated the conversation, that lead to the break-up. It went smoothly ..but I should have known better. I was home all day thinking things through. Wondering if what we did was right. Then she comes home with a party?? I just kept thinking "wow!! how insensitive and how quickly it took her to get over me!!". That's when I made the decision to move out. I couldn't take having to see her act like I meant nothing to her when she comes home at night ready to party.



Then I saw it. The messages to another girl from her job being sent back and forth on her facebook ..and it started before we broke up. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. I knew I shouldn't have looked. I knew I shouldn't have read them. But I couldn't help it. So this was her REAL reasoning as to why she wanted to break up. I KNEW there was someone else. She practically cheated on me. The words that were exchanged will haunt me for the rest of my life. I couldn't believe it. Here she was, saying sweet things to someone else, things she should have been saying to me -- her girlfriend!! Instead, the only things mentioned about me began or ended with "..she's crazy!! ..she's psycho!! ..she's driving me nuts!!". It was a stabbed with a knife through the heart multiple times kind of feeling. Then I got angry. She had the NERVE to accuse ME of doing things with my ex-boyfriend when all the while she was doing THIS?!? Reading that letter made me want to move out even faster.

December I moved out and back with my parents in Brooklyn. I was devastated for a good while. I cried almost every night. But that was a given. Especially since it was the holidays. The first time in 5 years I wasn't spending it with her. I'd get angry looking at her facebook pages and seeing her act like I meant nothing. Partying, drugs, drinking, flirting heavy with other girls, spending more and more time with THAT girl. The one from the messages. The one I refer to as "the little girl" ((she's only 18!!)).


I vowed to myself that once the new year hit, no more feeling sorry for myself. No more trying to miss her. No more letting her get to me. So I listened to alot of angry, broken-hearted girl, kind of music. The ones that empower u to move on and forget. And of course my friends. The ones that helped me keep my head on straight. My support system. I wouldn't be where I am right now if it wasn't for them. They helped me see I was worth something. That I was still beautiful. That it was time for me to live for ME!!





As for me and Chrisanne ..we still talk. We're TRYING to be friends but I can't front, it's HARD!! It's hard for the simple fact that I let our memories get the best of me sometimes ..and I need to stop that. I still care for her extremely. My love for her will always be there. But being inlove WITH her -- that's all gone. She hurt me too much. She made me expect too much. She went back on her promises to me. She moved on from me a while ago. I can't do anything about it except move on too.






I got my own life now and she's got hers. Friends we will remain but I know the process to fully get to that point might take a minute. But I'm proud to say I'm not that same girl back in November. I'm stronger now. And I'm sure I'll find a way to make it ...without her.

So far, so good ...